When I Rule the World...

I should know better. It's not good for my blood pressure. But I can't stand it any longer. Even more than The Archers, even more than Women's Hour, even more than most of the output of the Guardian, I'm fed up, here and now, with Britain. We are, without doubt, useless. So here is, in a concise and easy to handle list, exactly what's wrong. I'll probably run out of space. But here goes nothing.

1. Iraq. Let's get the big one out of the way first. I blush to admit that I believed the lying so-and-sos who told me that Saddam was an immediate threat to the UK, who had not only the means but also the inclination to wreak havoc on our green and pleasant land. Yeah, right. We shouldn't have gone in, but we did. We broke it, so we fix it. And yes, it's a war. That means that the other side are allowed to fire at us too. And no, it's awful when our soldiers die. But they're soldiers. It's in the job description. So let's equip them properly, let's support them properly, and let's do the best we can to mend it. And then let's go, when the Iraqi government are happy for us to do so. But until then, we're stuck there. Get over it.

Crime and Punishment

1. Right, let's offend some more people. Prison sentences. "Life imprisonment, and you should serve at least 12 years" is meaningless. If the crime is sufficiently grave to merit life imprisonment, then that's what you should get. If you should only serve 12 years, that's what you should be imprisoned for.
2. And whilst we're at it, let's lose the X-Boxes etc in the prisons. No, I'm not advocating solitary confinement and 20 lashes for breakfast, but let's not have a situation where prison is more comfortable than home.
3. Double the number of police. Put the extra ones on the beat, rather than behind desks.
4. "Antisocial behaviour" is playing music loudly. Beating up strangers in the street because they dare to stand up for themselves is assault. Let's find the kids, and start punishing them accordingly.
5. Lose the insultingly moderate sentences handed out for crimes such as murder, attempted murder, ABH, GBH, rape, muggings, etc etc.
6. In exchange, abolish the laws banning smoking in a public place.
7. Abolish the minimum drinking age. Or set it as, say, 12. Is it cool to eat chocolate? Not really. Yes, there'll be carnage for a few years. But it'll get better eventually. Alternatively, if you prefer to keep the legal limit as it currently is, then enforce it.

Politics

1. Climate change. It's happening. Tax the airlines on their fuel like the rest of the country. If and when the European CO2 emissions trading scheme starts working, they join it. Along with every other major business.
2. Research Funding. 65% of the allocated budget should be, well, allocated to specific projects. Cures for cancer, new power sources, medicines. Whatever. The remaining 35% split 60:40 in the sciences and arts for more esoteric research which may have no immediate applications.
3. Scrap the Olympics. Even now. I know it's late but really, £12 billion. Can you think of anything we should spend this money on instead? Oh, I know. Policemen. Schools. Hospitals. Parks. The countryside. Writing off third world debt. Reducing council tax. A giant fireworks show. I don't care. But two weeks worth of people running around a track. Please, no.
4. "Europe" isn't inherently bad. It's not inherently good either.
5. "Move forward or fall behind" is a false assumption. Staying still is the right decision sometimes.
6. Scrap road-pricing. Impose maximum legal emissions limits. If the car manufacturers can't sell their products in the UK, they'll soon change their specifications. And don't confuse congestion with climate change. An electrical car takes up the same amount of road space as a petrol one. And is still polluting (now how do we get that electricity...?)
7. Promote cycling, with financial advantages for those who do so.
8. Accept that public transport does not make money. If you want to encourage people away from their cars, make it attractive, rather than bullying. How about free school buses as a start? Subsidised train fares?
9. Reduce the BBC license fee, by abolishing those aspects that are not remotely "public service." Lose BBC Three. Radio 1? How controversial am I? Also allocate a portion of the fee to funding the National Film and Television Archives.
10. Set a minimum and maximum density for new housing.
11. Try to lose "short term" targets. Trends do not continue for-ever. "Ten years ago [quote statistic] whereas today [more statistics], so in ten years time...". By this argument, in 2020, one in three people will be an Elvis impersonator. Hmmm...

Education

1. Create an independent body (in the same way as the Bank of England is) to oversee school exams. Use people from our top universities, further education colleges, independent and state schools, and let's get an exam that ch alleges those who sit it.
2. An academic education is not for everyone. It should be available to everyone, but that's not the same thing. We need mechanics, builders, plumbers, and let's be honest: they'll earn more than they would with a 2:2 in media studies.
3. To this end, "education" should be compulsory until the age of 18, but this should include apprenticeships, A-levels, NVQs and vocational training courses.

Hmmm, that's all that occurs to me at the moment. Watch this space...

Hats Off to Ann Treneman

It's rare that I open a newspaper (well, click on the correct button) without ending up far more depressed than before I did so. It's all so bleak. Death, murders, stabbings, shootings. Outstanding areas of countryside being turned into Tesco supermarkets. Beautiful, architecturally rich buildings being torn down to make way for yet more cheap-to build, expensive-to-buy, nasty and ugly housing. David Beckham. It's just all so bleurgh.

So imagine my surprise to find not something that not only made me smile, but actually made me laugh out loud.

Firstly, if you haven't discovered Ann Treneman, then please do so. Now. She's the political sketch writer for the Times, which, I know, makes her sound about as much fun as spending an afternoon in the company of Alan Sugar. But she's witty, quick, sarcastic and surprisingly entertaining, given that she's essentially writing about a room of aging men and women who are paid to stand up and shout at each other. Well, that's what it looks like, anyway. But today's post made me smile more than usual, so I thought I'd flag it up. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Apple and Cinnamon Loaf Cake

This is the recipe for an apple and cinnamon loaf cake that I made on Saturday. It came out, I have to say, rather well, and definitely didn't last long in the lab! It's adapted from the banana loaf in Nigella Lawson's "How to be a Domestic Goddess," which is probably one of the best baking books around. I like her style of writing and the pictures are good too!

Make sure you have the right size baking tin...

Ingredients:

100 g sultanas
25 ml rum
50 ml mulled wine (the kind you buy in a bottle ready to heat up)
175 g plain flour
2 tsp baking powder
¹/₂ tsp bicarbonate of soda
¹/₂ tsp salt
125 g butter, melted
150 g sugar
2 eggs
3-4 apples (you want 300 g once peeled and cored
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp cinnamon

Method

Put sultanas, rum and wine into a small saucepan. Heat until almost boiling, cover and remove from the heat. Leave for one hour for the sultanas to adsorb the liquid.

Chop peeled and cored apple into largish chunks. Place in a saucepan with some water and boil until soft, adding more water if necessary. Once soft, continue to boil until any remaining liquid has evaporated. Using a potato masher (or a fork), mash the apple - you want it somewhat lumpy, not entirely smooth.

Mix flour, baking powder, bicarb, cinnamon and salt in a bowl. In a separate (larger) bowl, mix melted butter (you can melt it in the steam from boiling the apples) and sugarand beat until blended. Add the eggs, one at a time, and then the apple, beating after each addition. Then add the sultanas (and any remaining liquid) and the vanilla extract and beat. Add the flour mix, a third at a time, mixing well after each addition.

Line (or oil and flour) a 23x13x7 cm loaf tin and add the mixture. Place in a preheated oven, 170 ^oC/gas mark 3 for 1 - 1¹/₄ hours. Once cooked, an inserted skewer should come out clean.

Leave to cool completely before removing from the tin.

Glasgow Calling

So, back when the sun shone and the land was still above water (ah, those were the days), the missus and I went up to visit Zoe, a friend from Corpus, in the fair city of Glasgow. we had mch fun and were even fortunate with the weather - one day of rain out of six, which I reckon is better than par for Scotland. Hurrah! We did take quite a few photos, but, as they say, all things in moderation, so here are a select few.

"It's bigger on the inside..."

Glasgow Botanics

The Trossachs

Loch Katrine, The Trossachs

View across Loch Fyne to Inveraray

Helloooo!

Ahem. That is to say, I'm back, everybody. Did you miss me?

So, watch this space for photos of the other half and me in Glasgow on holiday, random thoughts on the news in general and articles to do with Christianity in particular, and a recipe for an apple and cinnamon loaf cake that was, even if I say it myself, rather good.

And so I leave you with news that it's not only me who isn't much good at recognising celebrities. Awww.